and l mean to go on bein' undeservin'. l like it an' that's the truth.
But will you take advantage of a man's nature...
do him out of the price of his own daughter, what he's brought up...
fed and clothed by the sweat of his brow...
till she's growed big enough to be interestin' to you two gentlemen?
ls five pounds unreasonable, l put it to you?
And l leave it to you.
You know, Pickering, if we took this man in hand for three months...
he could choose between a seat in the Cabinet and a popular pulpit in Wales.
-We'd better give 'im a fiver. -He'll make bad use of it, l'm afraid.
Not me, Governor, so 'elp me l won't.
Just one good spree for meself an' the missus...
givin' pleasure to ourselves and employment to others.
An' satisfaction to you to know it ain't been throwed away.
You couldn't spend it better.
Oh, this is irresistible. Let's give 'im ten.
The missus wouldn't have the 'eart to spend ten, Governor.
Ten pounds is a lot o' money.
Makes a man feel prudent-like, and then goodbye to 'appiness.
No, you just give me what l ask, Governor. Not a penny less, not a penny more.
l rather draw the line at encouraging this sort of immorality, Doolittle.
Why don't you marry that missus of yours?
After all, marriage isn't so frightening. You married Eliza's mother.
Who told you that, Governor?
Well, nobody told me. l concluded, naturally....
lf we listen to this man for another minute we shall have no convictions left.
-Five pounds, l think you said. -Thank you, Governor.
Are you sure you won't have ten?
No. No, perhaps another time.
l beg your pardon, Miss.
l won't say those ruddy vowels one more time.
Blimey, it's Eliza.
Well, l never thought she'd clean up so good-looking.
She does me credit, don't she, Governor?
Here! What are you doin' here?
Now, you hold your tongue and don't you give these gentlemen none o' your lip.
lf you have any trouble with 'er, give 'er a few licks o' the strap.
That's the way to improve 'er mind.
Well, good morning, gentlemen. Cheerio, Eliza.
There's a man for you. A philosophical genius of the first water.
Write to Mr. Ezra Wallingford and tell him...
if he wants a lecturer, to get in touch with Mr. Alfred P. Doolittle...
a common dustman, one o' the most original moralists in England.
'Ere, what did he come for?
Say your vowels.
l know me vowels. l knew 'em before l come.
lf you know them, say them.
Ahyee, e, lyee, ow, you.
A, E, l, O, U.
That's what l said. Ahyee, e, lyee, ow, you.
That's what l been sayin' for three days an' l won't say 'em no more.
l know it's difficult, Miss Doolittle, but try to understand.
There's no use explaining. As a military man you ought to know that.
Drilling is what she needs.
Leave her alone or she'll be turning to you for sympathy.
Very well, if you insist, but have a little patience with her.
Of course.
Say ''A.''
You ain't got no 'eart, you ain't.
l promise you you'll say your vowels correctly before this day is out...
or there'll be no lunch, no dinner, and no chocolates.
Just you wait, 'Enry 'lggins Just you wait
You'll be sorry But your tears will be too late
You'll be broke and l'll have money Will l help you? Don't be funny!
Just you wait, 'Enry 'lggins Just you wait
Just you wait, 'Enry 'lggins Till you're sick
And you screams To fetch a doctor double-quick
l'll be off a second later And go straight to the theater
Ho, ho, ho, 'Enry 'lggins Just you wait!
Just you wait Until we're swimmin'in the sea
And you get the cramp A little ways from me
When you yell you're gonna drown l'll get dressed and go to town
Just you wait!
One day l'll be famous l'll be proper and prim
Go to St. James so often l will call it St. Jim
One evening the King will say ''Oh, Liza, old thing
''l want all of England Your praises to sing
''Next week on the 20th of May
''l proclaim Liza Doolittle Day
''All the people will celebrate The glory of you
''And whatever you wish and want l gladly will do''
''Thanks a lot, King, '' says l ln a manner well-bred
''But all l want is 'Enry 'lggins' 'ead''
''Done!''
Says the King with a stroke
''Guard, run and bring in the bloke''
Then they'll march you, 'Enry 'lggins To the wall
And the King will tell me
''Liza, sound the call''
As they raise their rifles higher
l'll shout.: ''Ready, aim, fire!''
Ho, ho, ho, 'Enry 'lggins Down you go
Just you wait!
All right, Eliza, say it again.
''The rine in Spine...
''stais minely in the pline.''
''The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.''
Didn't l saiy that?
No, Eliza, you didn't ''saiy'' that. You didn't even ''say'' that.
Every night before you get into bed, where you used to say your prayers...
l want you to say:
''The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.''
Fifty times.
You'll get much further with the Lord if you learn not to offend His ears.
Now for your ''H's.''
Pickering, this is going to be ghastly.
Control yourself, Higgins. Give the girl a chance.
l suppose you can't expect her to get it right the first time.
Come here, Eliza, and watch closely.
Now, you see that flame?
Every time you pronounce the letter ''H'' correctly the flame will waver...
and every time you drop your ''H'' the flame will remain stationary.
That's how to know you've done it correctly.
ln time, your ear will hear the difference.
You'll see it better in the mirror. Now listen carefully.
''ln Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire...
''hurricanes hardly ever happen.''
Now you repeat that after me.
''ln Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen.''
''ln 'artford, 'ereford and 'ampshire 'urricanes 'ardly hever 'appen.''
Oh, no, no, no!
Have you no ear at all?
-Should l do it over? -No, please.
Start from the very beginning. Just do this.
Go on, go on, go on.
Does the same thing hold true in lndia?
Have they the peculiar habit of not only dropping a letter...
but using it where it doesn't belong, like ''hever'' instead of ''ever''?
The girl, Higgins!
Go on. Go on.
Poor Professor Higgins
Night and day he slaves away
Oh, poor Professor Higgins
All day long on his feet
Up and down until he's numb
Doesn't rest, doesn't eat
Doesn't touch a crumb
Again, Eliza.
How kind of you to let me come.
No. Kind of you. Kind of you. Kind--
How kind of you to let me come.
Kind of you. Kind of you. lt's like ''cup of tea.''
Kind of you. Cup of tea. Say, say ''cup of tea.''
Cuppatea.
No. ''A cup of tea.''
lt's awfully good cake. l wonder where Mrs. Pearce gets it.
First rate. And those strawberry tarts are delicious. Did you try the pline cake?
Try it again.
-Did you try the-- -Pickering!
Again, Eliza.
Cuppatea.
Oh, no.
Can't you hear the difference?
Look, put your tongue forward until it squeezes on the top of your lower teeth.
And then say ''cup.''
Then say ''of.''
Then say ''cup, cup, cup, cup, of, of, of, of.''
By Jove, Higgins, that was a glorious tea.
You finish the last strawberry tart. l couldn't eat another thing.
-l couldn't touch it. -Shame to waste it.
Oh, it won't be wasted. l know somebody who's immensely fond of strawberry tarts.
Poor Professor Higgins
On he plods against all odds
Oh, poor Professor Higgins
Nine p.m., ten p.m.
On through midnight every night
One a.m., two a.m., three....
Four.
Five.
Six marbles.
l want you to read this and l want you to enunciate...
every word just as if the marbles were not in your mouth.
''With blackest moss, the flower pots...
''were thickly crusted, one and all.''
Each word, clear as a bell.
''With blackest moss the flower...
''pots.''
l can't!
l say, Higgins, are those pebbles really necessary?
lf they were necessary for Demosthenes they are necessary for Eliza Doolittle.
Go on, Eliza.
''With the blackest moss the flower pots...
''were thickly crusted one and all.''
l can't understand a word, not a word.
''With blackest moss, the flower pots...
''were thickly crusted, one and all.''
Perhaps the poem is a little too difficult for the girl.
Why don't you try something simpler, like The Owl and the Pussycat?
Yes, that's a charming one.
Pickering, l can't hear a word the girl is saying!
What's the matter?
l swallowed one.
lt doesn't matter. l've got plenty more. Open your mouth. One, two--
Quit, Professor Higgins
Hear our plea, or payday we will quit
Professor Higgins!
''Ay''not ''l'', ''O''not ''ow''
Pounding, pounding in our brain
''Ay''not ''l, '' ''O''not ''ow''
Don't say ''rine'' say ''rain ''
''The rain in Spain...
''stays mainly in the plain.''
l can't!
l'm so tired!
l'm so tired.
For God's sake, Higgins, it must be three o'clock in the morning.
Do be reasonable.
l am always reasonable.
Eliza, if l can go on with a blistering headache, you can.
l got a 'eadache, too.
l know your head aches. l know you're tired.
l know your nerves are as raw as meat in a butcher's window.
But think what you're trying to accomplish.
Just think what you're dealing with.
The majesty and grandeur of the English language....
lt's the greatest possession we have.
The noblest thoughts that ever flowed through the hearts of men...
are contained in its extraordinary, imaginative...
and musical mixtures of sounds.
And that's what you've set yourself out to conquer, Eliza.
And conquer it you will.
Now try it again.
''The rain in Spain...
''stays mainly in the plain.''
What was that?
''The rain in Spain...
''stays mainly in the plain.''
Again.
The rain in Spain Stays mainly in the plain
l think she's got it l think she's got it
The rain in Spain Stays mainly in the plain
By George, she's got it By George, she's got it
Now once again Where does it rain?
On the plain, on the plain
And where's that soggy plain?
ln Spain, in Spain
The rain in Spain Stays mainly in the plain
ln Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire
Hurricanes hardly happen
How kind of you to let me come
Now once again Where does it rain?
On the plain, on the plain
And where's that blasted plain?
ln Spain, in Spain
We're making fine progress, Pickering. l think the time has come to try her out.
Are you feeling all right, Mr. Higgins?
Yes, l'm feeling fine. How are you?
-Very well, thank you. -Good.
Let's test her in public and see how she fares.
Mr. Higgins, l was awakened by a dreadful pounding.
Do you know what it might have been?
l didn't hear any pounding. Did you, Pickering?
lf this goes on, Mrs. Pearce, you'd better see a doctor.
-l know. We'll take her to the races. -The races?
My mother's box at Ascot.
-You'll consult your mother first. -Yes, of course.
No, l think we'd better surprise her. Now let's go to bed.
First thing in the morning, we'll go out and buy her a dress.
Now get on with your work, Eliza.
But, Mr. Higgins, it's early in the morning.
What better time to work than early in the morning?
Where does one buy a lady's gown?
Whitely's, of course.
How do you know that?
Common knowledge.
Let's not buy her anything too flowery.
l despise those gowns with, sort of, weeds here and weeds there.
We'll buy something sort of simple and modest...
and elegant. That's what's called for.
Perhaps with a bow.
Yes. That's just right.
You've all been working much too hard. l think the strain is beginning to show.
Eliza, l don't care what Mr. Higgins says.
You must put down your books and go to bed.
Bed! Bed! l couldn't go to bed
My head's too light to try to set it down
Sleep! Sleep! l couldn't sleep tonight
Not for all the jewels in the crown!
l could have danced all night
And still have begged for more
l could have spread my wings
And done a thousand things
l've never done before
l'll never know what made it so exciting
Why all at once my heart took flight
l only know when he
Began to dance with me
l could have danced, danced, danced
all night!
lt's after three now.
Don't you agree now?
She ought to be in bed!
l could have danced all night
And still have begged for more
l could have spread my wings
And done a thousand things
l've never done before
l'll never know what made it so exciting
Why all at once my heart took flight
l only know when he
Began to dance with me
l could have danced, danced, danced
all night!
lt's all been grand, dear.
But now it's time to sleep!
l could have danced all night
And still have begged for more
l could have spread my wings
And done a thousand things
l've never done before
l'll never know what made it so exciting
Why all at once my heart took flight
l only know when he
Began to dance with me
l could have danced, danced, danced
all night!
Every duke and earl and peer is here
Everyone who should be here is here
What a smashing, positively dashing
Spectacle, the Ascot opening day
At the gate are all the horses
Waiting for the cue to fly away
What a gripping, absolutely ripping
Moment at the Ascot opening day
Pulses rushing
Faces flushing
Heartbeats speed up
l have never been so keyed up!
Any second now
They'll begin to run
Hark! A bell is ringing
They are springing forward, look!
lt has begun
What a frenzied moment that was
Didn't they maintain an exhausting pace?
lt was a thrilling, absolutely chilling
Running of the Ascot opening race!
Mother!
Henry! What a disagreeable surprise.
Hello, Mother.
How nice you look.
What are you doing here? You promised never to come to Ascot. Go home.
l can't. l'm here on business.
No, you must. l'm quite serious. You offend all my friends.
The moment they meet you l never see them again.
Besides, you aren't dressed for Ascot.
l changed my shirt. Mother, l've got a job for you.
A phonetics job. l've picked up a girl.
Oh, no, not a love affair. She's a flower girl.
l'm taking her to the annual Embassy Ball but l wanted to try her out first.
-l beg your pardon? -Well, you know the Embassy Ball.
So l invited her to your box today, do you understand?
Common flower girl?
l taught her how to speak properly.
She has strict instructions as to her behavior.
She's to keep to two subjects: the weather and everybody's health.
''Fine day! '' and ''How do you do?'' Not just let herself go on things in general.
Help her along, darling. You'll be quite safe.
Safe? To talk about one's health in the middle of a race?
Well, she's got to talk about something.
Where is the girl now?
She's being pinned. Some of the clothes we bought her didn't quite fit.
l told Pickering we should have taken her with us.
-Mrs. Eynsford-Hill. -Good afternoon, Mrs. Higgins.
You know my son, Henry.
How do you do?
-l've seen you somewhere before. -l don't know.
lt doesn't matter. You better sit down.
Where the devil can they be?
Colonel Pickering, you're just in time for tea.
Thank you, Mrs. Higgins. May l introduce Miss Eliza Doolittle?
My dear, Miss Doolittle.
How kind of you to let me come.
Delighted, my dear.
-Lady Boxington. -How do you do?
-Lord Boxington. -How do you do?
How do you do?
-Mrs. Eynsford-Hill, Miss Doolittle. -How do you do?
How do you do?
And Freddy Eynsford-Hill.
How do you do?
Miss Doolittle.
Good afternoon, Professor Higgins.
The first race was very exciting, Miss Doolittle.
l'm so sorry that you missed it.
Will it rain, do you think?
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
But in Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen.
How awfully funny.
What is wrong with that, young man? l bet l got it right.
Smashing.
Has it suddenly turned chilly?
l do hope we won't have any unseasonable cold spells.
They bring on so much influenza.
And the whole of our family is susceptible to it.
My aunt died of influenza, so they said.
But it's my belief they done the old woman in.
Done her in?
Yes, Lord love you.
Why should she die of influenza...
when she come through diphtheria right enough the year before.
Fairly blue with it she was.
They all thought she was dead.
But my father, he kept ladling gin down her throat.
Then she come to so sudden she bit the bowl off the spoon.
Dear me!
Now what call would a woman with that strength in her...
have to die of influenza?
And what become of her new straw hat that should have come to me?
Somebody pinched it.
And what l say is:
Them 'as pinched it, done her in.
Done her in? Done her in, did you say?
Whatever does it mean?
Oh, that's the new small talk. ''To do somebody in'' means to kill them.
But you surely don't believe your aunt was killed?
Do l not?
Them she lived with would have killed her for a hatpin, let alone a hat.
But it can't have been right for your father...
to pour spirits down her throat like that.
lt might have killed her.
Not her. Gin was mother's milk to her.
Besides, he poured so much down his own throat he knew the good of it.
Do you mean that he drank?
Drank? My word. Something chronic.
Here, what are you sniggering at?
The new small talk. You do it so awfully well.
Well, if l was doing it proper, what was you sniggering at?
Have l said anything l oughtn't?
Not at all, my dear.
Well, that's a mercy anyhow.
l don't know if there's enough time before the next race to place a bet...
but come, my dear.
l have a bet on number seven. l should be so happy if you would take it.
You'll enjoy the race ever so much more.
That's very kind of you.
His name is Dover.
Come along, Eliza.
There they are again
Lining up to run
Now they're holding steady
They are ready for it, look
lt has begun
Come on. Come on, Dover.
Come on.
Come on, Dover!
Come on!
Come on, Dover! Move your bloomin' ass!
Oh, my dear.
You're not serious, Henry. You don't expect to take her to the Embassy Ball.
Don't you think she's ready for it?
Dear Henry, she's ready for a canal barge.
Her language may need a little refining, but--
Really, Henry, if you cannot see how impossible this whole project is...
then you must be absolutely potty about her.
l advise you to give it up and not put yourself...
or this poor girl through any more.
Why, it's the most fascinating venture l've ever undertaken.
Pickering and l are at it from morning till night. lt fills our whole lives.
Teaching Eliza, talking to Eliza, listening to Eliza, dressing Eliza.
You're a pretty pair of babies playing with your live doll.
Here's the car.
Good evening, sir.
-ls dinner ready? l'm famished. -lmmediately, sir.
Good evening, Professor Higgins.
When she mentioned How her aunt bit off the spoon
She completely done me in
And my heart went on A journey to the moon
When she told about her father And the gin
And l never saw A more enchanting farce
Than the moment when she shouted ''Move your bloomin ''--
-Yes, sir? -ls Miss Doolittle in?
Whom shall l say is calling?
Freddy Eynsford-Hill. lf she doesn't remember who l am...
tell her l'm the chap who was sniggering at her.
Yes, sir.
And will you give her these?
Wouldn't you like to come in, sir?
They're having dinner, but you may wait in the hall.
No, thank you. l want to drink in the street where she lives.
l have often walked Down this street before
But the pavement always stayed Beneath my feet before
All at once am l Several stories high
Knowing l'm on the street Where you live
Are there lilac trees ln the heart of town?
Can you hear a lark ln any other part of town?
Does enchantment pour Out of every door?
No, it's just on the street Where you live
And, oh, the towering feeling
Just to know Somehow you are near
The overpowering feeling
That any second You may suddenly appear
People stop and stare They don't bother me
For there's nowhere else on Earth That l would rather be
Let the time go by
l won't care if l
Can be here on the street Where you live
l'm terribly sorry, sir.
Miss Doolittle says she doesn't want to see anyone ever again.
But why? She was unbelievable.
So l've been told, sir. ls there any further message?
Tell her that l'll wait.
Oh, but it might be days, sir, even weeks.
But don't you see? l'll be happier here.
People stop and stare They don't bother me
For there's nowhere else on Earth That l would rather be
Let the time go by
l won't care if l
Can be here on the street Where you live
lt really is, Higgins. lt's inhuman to continue.
Do you realize what you've got to try and teach this poor girl in six weeks?
You've got to teach her to walk, talk, address a duke, a lord...
a bishop, an ambassador. lt's absolutely impossible.
Higgins, l'm trying to tell you that l want to call off the bet.
l know you're a stubborn man, but so am l.
This experiment is over.
And nothing short of an order from the King could force me to recant.
You understand, Higgins? lt's over.
Higgins, if there's any mishap at the Embassy tonight...
if Miss Doolittle suffers any embarrassment whatever...
it'll be on your head alone.
Eliza can do anything.
Suppose she's discovered? Remember Ascot.
Suppose she makes another ghastly mistake?
There'll be no horses at the ball, Pickering.
Think of how agonizing it would be.
lf anything happened tonight, l don't know what l'd do.
You could always rejoin your regiment.
This is no time for flippancy, Higgins.
The way you've driven her the last six weeks...
has exceeded all bounds of common decency.
For God's sake, stop pacing up and down. Can't you settle somewhere?
Have some port. lt'll quieten your nerves.
l'm not nervous.
-Where is it? -On the piano.
The car's here, sir.
Good. Tell Miss Doolittle, will you?
Tell Miss Doolittle indeed. l'll bet you that damned gown doesn't fit.
l warned you about these French designers.
We should have gone to an English shop. They would've been on our side.
-Have a glass of port? -No, thank you.
Are you so sure this girl will retain everything you've hammered into her?
Well, we shall see.
Suppose she doesn't?
l lose my bet.
There's one thing l can't stand about you, that's your confounded complacency.
At a moment like this, with so much at stake...
it's utterly indecent that you don't need a glass of port.
And what about the girl? You act as though she doesn't matter at all.
Rubbish, Pickering. Of course she matters.
What do you think l've been doing all these months?
What could possibly matter more than to take a human being...
and change her into a different human being by creating a new speech for her?
lt's filling up the deepest gap that separates class from class...
and soul from soul.
Oh, she matters immensely.
Miss Doolittle, you look beautiful.
Thank you, Colonel Pickering.
Don't you think so, Higgins?
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Maestro! Maestro!
Don't you remember me?
No. Who the devil are you?
l'm your pupil. Your first, your greatest, your best pupil.
l'm Zoltan Karpathy, that marvelous boy.
l made your name famous throughout Europe.
You teach me phonetics. You cannot forget me.
Why don't you have your hair cut?
l don't have your imposing appearance, your figure, your brow.
lf l had my hair cut, nobody would notice me.
Where did you get all of these old coins?
These are decorations for languages.
The Queen of Transylvania is here this evening.
l'm indispensable to her at these official international parties.
l speak 32 languages. l know everyone in Europe.
No imposter can escape my detection.
Professor Karpathy.
The Greek ambassador.
Greek, my foot!
He pretends not to know any English, but he cannot deceive me.
He's the son of a Yorkshire watchmaker.
He speaks English so villainously that he cannot utter a word...
without betraying his origin.
l help him pretend, but l make him pay through the nose. l make them all pay.
Excuse me, sir, you are wanted upstairs. Her Excellency asked for you.
Viscount and Viscountess Saxon.
Baron and Baroness of Yorkshire.
Sir Guy and Lady Scot Auckland.
The Count and Countess Demereau.
The Viscount and Viscountess Hillyard.
Mr. and Mrs. Richard Lanser.
Lord and Lady Clanders.
Miss Eliza Doolittle, Colonel Pickering.
Miss Eliza Doolittle. Colonel Pickering.
Professor Higgins.
-Your Excellency. -Miss Doolittle.
How do you do?
-Good evening, Colonel. -Good evening.
What an enchanting young lady you have with you this evening.
Well, who is she?
Oh, a cousin of mine. And Higgins. Excuse me.
Professor Higgins.
Such a faraway look, as if she's always lived in a garden.
So she has. A sort of garden.
Henry must take Eliza home at once. There's a language expert here.
-Sort of, you know, imposterologist. -l beg you pardon?
The young lady with Colonel Pickering....
Find out who she is.
With pleasure.
The whole situation is highly explosive.
Tell me, Zoltan, some more about the Greek ambassador.
Gladly, but first l would love you to present me to this glorious creature.
Does he really come from Yorkshire?
Her Majesty, the Queen of Transylvania...
and His Royal Highness Prince Gregor.
Charming. Quite charming.
Miss Doolittle, Madam.
Miss Doolittle, my son would like to dance with you.